3 months ago today I had a miscarriage. Not a day goes by that I don´t think of it. It was probably one of the worst days of my life. If you would like to continue reading (even though it might be difficult or uncomfortable to read), then I would like to share my story with you...
We got married in December ´09. We initially had decided to wait one year before trying to conceive. But we also kind of took the ¨we´re not going to do anything to prevent it, so if it happens, it happens¨ approach. Lo and behold, 4 months into our marriage, I got pregnant. I felt so blessed and was so thankful that it happened so quickly. I was thrilled. Abe was more nervous and scared. But either way, we were happy and excited.
I thought it was just meant to be considering we conceived on/around Easter and I would be due on Christmas Day. (For a Christian, these are probably two of the most important days of the year, so for me, these were both big signs from God.) Each morning before Abe would leave for work and every night when he came home from work, he would kiss my belly and talk to it and tell it that he loves it. It was so cute and sweet. We scheduled my first OBGYN appointment for May 5th. I started to eat healthier, exercised more, read books about pregnancy, started a belly journal, started buying baby clothes and maternity clothes...basically just imagining that in about 8 months we would have our perfect, precious, healthy baby and that everything would be fine up until then.
Well, news flash folks, life is not perfect, nor is pregnancy. And I have to admit that I am so jealous of all the women who get to have a smooth, normal, perfect pregnancy. What I wouldn´t give...
So anyways, Tuesday May 4th, I start experiencing some spotting. Of course we call the doctor, me being the worrywart/hypochondriac that I am. Doctor says, oh don´t worry, it´s fine, spotting is normal, no big deal. I called my mom (because every girl still needs her mom no matter what her age, right?) Also, I wanted my mom´s advice because before she had me, she had a miscarriage and I wanted to know what it was like and what she experienced. Unfortunately she told me hers began with spotting. Great. I tried not to dwell on it, did a ton of praying, but just had this bad, uneasy feeling in my stomach.
The next day, May 5th, I had full on bleeding and cramping. Wonderful, I thought, bye bye baby. I just knew I was having a miscarriage and the baby was gone. We went to the doctor that evening for our scheduled appointment and told her what was going on. I was prepared for the worst. She decided to do an ultrasound just to make sure. Miracle of miracles, the baby was still in there and we heard/saw the hearbeat on the monitor!!! All my hope was restored. She said I had a threatened miscarriage, which basically means there is a chance of losing the baby. She prescribed some hormones and other medications to me and put me on bedrest for the next few days. Well, turns out it was all in vain. After we got home from buying all the medicine from the pharmacy, I went to use the bathroom and there was the sac with my baby in it. Let me just say that seeing your own child, no matter how little it is, dead, just rips your heart out. We were devastated.
We went back to the doctor the next week for a followup and the ultrasound showed that my uterus was completely empty. Fortunately, my body had gotten rid of everything on its own in a very quick manner and there was no need for surgery or drugs. I was so proud of myself that day for not crying once in the doctor´s office. I managed to hold in my tears until we left the building. And then I bawled. The doctor here in Mexico told us to wait three months before trying again. My doctor in the US said we could try again as soon as I got my first period after the miscarriage.
Losing a child makes you realize how much you really wanted one in the first place, but maybe weren´t aware of it. We both agreed that we wanted to try again as soon as we could. So we have been trying now since June and we will continue to try until we have the family that we want more than anything in this world.
To all my friends and family in real life who have asked me about this, let me open up and talk to you, who have shown sympathy, who have let me cry to you, who have asked me how I´ve been doing in the past 3 months, who have prayed for Abe and I...I give many, many thanks. I am so grateful for each and every one of you and I cherish your friendship. It is so nice to know that during difficult times, you are loved and cared for, and that even though others might not personally know exactly how you´re feeling and what you´re going through, that they are there for you to offer love and support.
To all those who have known about our loss and have said or done nothing...I understand. I get that it might be difficult for you, that maybe you don´t know what to say or do or how to react. Well let me tell you this...a simple ¨I´m sorry¨ goes a long way. Really. That ´s all you need to say. Or ¨I´ve been thinking about you¨. Or ¨How are you doing?¨ Any of those are appropriate and really are all that´s necessary to show the person that you care.
To all those on Facebook who responded, thank you so much. Even though we might not be close, even though maybe we haven´t spoken in years, your words and thoughts mean the world to me.
To all the wonderful women I have met online (you know who you are)....words cannot express the gratitude I have. You ladies have been my rock the past three months and I probably would be lost without you. You are all amazing and I think about you and pray for you every day. Some of you have similar situations to me and a lot of you have been through so much more than me. I can never imagine your pain or grief or strength. All of you inspire me and give me hope.
To my wonderful, amazing husband...Lord knows how patient and understanding you have been with me. Thank you for letting me cry on your shoulder, for letting me vent, for knowing when I´m having a bad day, for letting experience all the feelings that I have been experiencing. You are the best and I am truly blessed to have you as my partner for life. You have been so strong throughout all of this and I know you are hurting too. I am here for you always.
And most importantly, I´m thankful to God. He has been by my side each and every day, during good times and bad and I know that will never change. My life would not be the same without Him in it.
If you have made it this far, I thank you for taking the time to hear my story. I ask that if any of you who are reading know someone in your life who has experienced the loss of a child, that you just take two seconds and tell them that you are thinking of them and that you are sorry it happened to them. And I also ask that you be kind to everyone because everyone has a story and is fighting a battle of some sort and just think before you speak.
Lastly, here is the one and only picture I have of Baby Casanova at 6.5 weeks. Mommy and Daddy love you more than words and miss you everyday. We know you are with your Maker in Heaven. Jeremiah 29:11